Pro Wrestling Chronicle

John Philapavage takes a look at an old friend of the Internet wrestling community, the very much still alive Uncle Eric, and wonders how well Bischoff is sleeping at night (Or if he actually sleeps at all)

Guilty Conscience

Before reading this op-ed piece it would benefit the reader to first look at Eric Bischoff’s blog, located here: http://www.ericbischoff.com/blog.asp?Path=T1,0003&MaxListings=

Every wrestling fan needs a heel to love a face. Hogan needed Piper. Austin needed McMahon. But the only way to successfully babyface someone as disgusting as Vince McMahon is to bring on someone even below his depth. Ladies and gentlemen, Eric Bischoff. So while McMahon pretended he was battling Ted Turner, McMahon really had saleman turned C team announcer turned WCW Executive Eric Bischoff as his true nemisis. But more importantly, to fans of the mid to late ninties, WE had Eric Bischoff.

So it brings me great joy to announce to the rest of you that the Bisch, who aspires to be Vince McM., who in turn aspires to some day be legit (much like a millionaire pornographer who is frustrated w/ being looked down upon), has surfaced with an opinion the WWE and possible Congressional investigations. Much like HHH’s obsession w/ worshiping his boyhood hero Ric Flair while bizarrely trying to make him a subordinate and historical stepping stone, Bischoff has always been about showing his “Daddy” he’s bigger then him, while at the same time looking for his approval.

Read the hack’s latest blog and you’ll know what I mean. For those who don’t know, no one is more obsessed w/ wrestling journalists Dave Meltzer or Wade Keller then Bisch (okay, well, Hogan is, but Bisch is next). So what did the hack who makes hack-like products with fellow hack Jason Hervey do? He wrote about how there’s no problems in wrestling, poor WWE, and all this bad media coverage is obviously Meltzer and Keller’s fault. You see, everyone just wants to be on TV. Congress should solve all the worlds problems, and yet none of them. Just as long as nothing happens to his beloved sports entertainment. He’s really bothered by all this after all. How transparent guilt is when it surfaces on your face, sir.

Thanks Bisch for reminding those of us who forgot about you (who’s really irrelevant, Ken Doll?) how “relevant” you are. It’s amazing how insecure wannabe-celebrities process information. whoever is deemed most “famous” in Bischoff’s mind must be right in any argument. Even better, obviously everyone is looking for attention - even Congress - because that’s what people do, right Eric? Controversy Equals… no Eric, I’m sorry, you lost 80 million dollars of someone’s money. Only Bob Carter lets people get away with that at this point. People are killed for much less, but then, white collar crimes, right Eric?

Someone should really give him an award for being such a hustler. I mean, it was Eric who just happened to be vacationing on someone else’s dime - I mean working - in Japan under the guise of business when he thought of (read - he copied) the idea for the NWO. And how lucky the ass he was licking was so terribly insecure with the vocal hatred of the fans that he was willing to turn heel for the angle, because, after all BROTHER, heels gotta go over, right?

But like any good con man, one good turn deserves enough. That’s why his accomplices/enemies/best friends/political enemies were the drunk and the big sexy liar. And by the time they were done with “ATM Eric”, they’d already taught an entire locker room how to stay home and get paid, get drunk/high at work and get paid, hold up company storylines or actual live events for ego sessions (and get paid), or selfishly write their own egotistical stories on TV to the detriment of others and get paid. One need look no further then the 15 minute vanity segment that was the announcement of Bret Hart’s signing, which had NOTHING to do with WCW or Bret Hart’s actual signing! Or Bisch and the Hucksters brutal fantasies acted out on national TV as they pretended to do a talk show. Yeah, good old ATM Eric, he certainly deserves an award for staying true to himself and never admitting his faults. If there was an award, a Gold Club, I’d certainly make him a member. Oh…oops.

In the end, their are several sad realities about reading something like this. Sad as in a coward like Eric Bischoff not having the spine to write a real autobiography a year back, simply because in the end he wanted the money and the approval of daddy McMahon. No, sader then that, it’s that people like Eric Bischoff can somehow be successful in our own sad society. Mr. Bischoff is currently listed as an executive producer of a reality show flooding the air waves. I’m told it’s doing well.

In September there may be Congressional hearings about the culture of professional wrestling. In specific, the drug culture of wrestling. Maybe Mr. Meltzer will be on hand to testify to Congress and get all the “attention” Bischoff believes he seeks. That Meltzer, how irrelevant and attention seeking. Isn’t that why you spent countless hours on the phone with him to get his attention and opinion on every decision you insecurely made and re-made?

And maybe a “nobody” like Mark Mero will be there not only trying to save some lives, but further excommunicate himself from his profession by telling the truth about it. He has an alternate agenda, you know. This fall he’ll surly be paid to visit high schools and talk to young athletes about the dangers of steroids and other performance enhancing drugs. He may even make enough to support himself modestly. The creep. Or Konnan. You remember ol’ K-Dawg, don’t ya? Hopefully he’ll make it to testify. He’s got this kidney thing going on right now, but I wouldn’t worry if I were you. They were his choices. It’s not like you could have drug tested him or suspended him without pay during the nearly five years he was under your employ.

Thankfully, you’re a righteous man. You know this is just a mindless attack on Mr. Vince McMahon and the good corporate umbrella of World Wrestling Entertainment. They put smiles on peoples faces, after all. So you’d never be dragged into this dog and pony show, where you might be forced to testify before Congress to all the horrible things you did and actions you promoted or rubber stamped while in power in Atlanta.

I wouldn’t expect you to remember Louie Spicolli or Bobby Duncum Jr. I don’t think they rode bikes or went hunting with you. And they certainly weren’t famous enough that you’d wanna be seen out with them. But you remember Brian Pillman, right Eric? You told that irrelevant Dave Meltzer how you wish you could have done more to help him. That was at Pillman’s own funeral. How about Eddie Guerrero? Anything? you threw coffee at him once. He almost died once or twice while working for you. I know you remember Curt Hennig. Fellow Minnesota native and a star from the 80s with all the baggage that comes with those excesses. You always loved those old 80s WWF stars. And you might remember Chris Benoit. I think he was referred to as a “Vanilla Midget” by a contemporary of yours. Nothing?

Well, I guess you did all you could, unlike the Meltzer’s and Keller’s of the world who spoke up in their silly little dirt sheets. You did do all you could do Eric. Didn’t you?