Pro Wrestling Chronicle

Paul Siegfried looks at this weeks RAW, streaming style, from the country that brought us “the death of Cro Cop - UFC Style”. We hope no one dies on this fine USA Network program, but wouldn’t mind the guys actually putting in a little effort. Find out inside.
-Raw is “giving away a money making PPV match on TV” comes to us “LIVE” from London, England.

OPENING SEGMENT:

-Here comes the money.
-Shane-O-Mac is “dressed to compete”.
-He’s only dressed to dance.
-Shane-O-Mac hates Bobby Lashley
-OOO you got SERVED Lashley.
-Shane and Lashley should have a “Dance-Off” to regain the McMahon Family Pride.
-I ponder Lashley dancing during an inconsequential video re-cap.
-Lashley cost Umaga the IC Title
-Umaga cost Me several precious minutes of my life.
-Shane calls himself “The Dragon”.
-I ponder several dick jokes, none of them funny.
-Shane introduces Robby Brookside to the ring.
-I shriek like a little girl as I polish my “Official Robbie Brookside #1 Fan” medal.
-He’s so dreamy.
-Shane actually wrestles with the hometown hero.
-I feel like a broken record, but Shane SHOULD NEVER MAT WRESTLE ANYONE!! He is a PERFORMER, not a wrestler. Yes he is athletic. Yes he
is fun to watch at times. He should never be placed as an equal to a professional wrestler.
-Van Daminator as Shane announces Umaga.
-4 hours from now, a semi-coherent Rob Van Dam will utter a “hey, you stole
my move”, and refuse to sign his contract in protest. Then he’ll lose motivation and polish off 2 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos while slowly forgetting what upset him in the first place.
-Umaga is fat.
-He beats up my fallen hero.
-Has anyone ever seen a non-agile Samoan?
-Vince comes out.
-I check the clock.
-15 minutes, and nothing entertaining.
-COME ON ROBBIE!!!! DON’T LET ME DOWN!!!!
-He let me down.
-1,2,3 as I throw my #1 Fan Medal in a fit of rage.
-Robbie Brookside will rise again, dammit.

MICHAELS/CENA WRESTLEMANIA RE-CAP:

-WWE’s crack production team actually makes me believe I saw something spectacular at Wrestlemania.
-I didn’t.
-And why are they giving this match away for free again?
-Nitro must be climbing up in the rating………..wait…….that’s not it.
-Well TNA must be creeping up on their……….wait………not that either.
-Oh ok. There is literally no reason.

MATT HARDY vs. TREVOR MURDOCH:

-I must say, at least this tag-team feud has a linear direction.
-And it produces decent matches.
-That’s always a bonus.
-Murdoch looks like an extra in Deliverance.
-He’s good at what he does though. He has an Arn Anderson quality about him.
-Minus the booze.
-Staying sober works.
-Chalk up a win for Murdoch.

-Somewhere Edge is smiling.
-And Lita is wondering what the hell happened with her life.

-My screen just went green.
-There is sound, but no video.
-I thank God for smiling upon me.
-I switch the channel to Heroes.
-I may not switch back.
-I switch back.
-They’re back.
-Thanks for nothing JESUS.

MELINA vs. “MY GIRLFRIEND” MARIA:

-I want to make this girl my wife.
-So what if I can’t support her, can barely support myself, and have HUGE trust issues?!
-My love can overcome that.
-They do some stuff.
-I ponder our life together.
-Melina wins.
-I begin to compose my hate mail to her.
-Damn you C.M. Punk. Are you sloppy and un-focused in bed with her, like you are in your matches??!
-Or do you just “simulate” love-making?

THE GREAT KAHLI vs. CARLITO:

-I change the channel.
-I’ll switch back once Flair comes out.
-I never learn.
-Khali wins.
-Flair is well-dressed, but does nothing.
-Carlito yells in Spanish, Flair looks confused, and goes to the back.
-Why are they wasting Flair?
-The old Flair would’ve given a cheap shot to Carlito, stolen his woman, and have been on a Leer Jet before the end of the show.
-Not this time.
-Crap.

BACKSTAGE:

-Mick Foley says some stuff, gets a cheap pop, and makes me wonder why I bought his book.
-Edge comes out and saves the interview. Everything this man does is gold recently.
-Edge vs. Randy Orton tonight!?
-WTF.
-Can’t wait for both of our main events of the night to end in a DQ. Although it’ll be interesting to see how they book Orton, given his current circumstances (being sent home……AGAIN).

SHAWN MICHAELS vs. JOHN CENA:

-The DX deal must be on hold until our Lord and Anabolic Savior Returns.
-Michaels is coming out to his old theme.
-Cena even gets booed in England.
-Take the title off of him, move him down the card a bit, and freshen him up for a title chase.
-In “big match” situations, no one is better at creating drama and atmosphere than Jim Ross. No one.
-J.R. is explaining the motivations behind each move, and the story of the match (Michaels avoiding the STFU) perfectly.
-Michaels is playing heel, but the crowd is STILL BOOING CENA.
-Funny stuff.
-This crowd is really hot for this match. Which is in stark contrast to their Wrestlemania match up.
-This is everything their Wrestlemania match should’ve been (except for the damn commercial breaks). Both guys are working their asses off out there.
-They both do a good job, with Michaels actually being able to draw some boos from this anti-Cena crowd, and keep the crowd into it with some well-placed near falls, and a legitimately good match.
-And they’re FINALLY giving their main event a lot of time.
-Thank you WWE.
-Michaels and Flair should look into Rogaine.
-Their hairlines both look like my Grandfathers.
-Cena uses a Bear Hug.
-The Barbarian sues for gimmick infringement.
-This is great stuff. I’m almost at a loss for words at the fact that the WWE has exceeded my expectations on free television. Both guys are so on tonight that it’s unbelievable.
-Even Cena.
-His punches even look credible this evening.
-I check to see if the sky is falling and if Scot Hall is sober.
-Neither is true.
-All is still right in the world.
-Cena keeps yelling “He won’t stay down! He won’t stay down!”. Awesome.
-Cena locks in the STFU.
-Rope Break, and the Heartbreak Kid is still alive.
-Sweet Chin Music out of no where, but Michaels is hesitating on the cover.
-Cena grabs the rope.
-This crowd is ELECTRIC!!
-Reversal of the FU into Sweet Chin Music for the 1, 2, 3.
-Michaels poses with the belt and delivers crotch chops to an unconscious John Cena as we go off the air.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

-Raw was firing on all cylinders tonight and entered into Backlash with a strong showing. The show did what all wrestling television shows should do: it garnered interest in their upcoming pay per view. It’s that simple folks. Straightforward booking. Clean finishes. And logical feuds. Throw in one of the best Raw matches we’ve seen in months, and I’m debating getting a pay per view that I originally had no interest in seeing. True, not even strong booking can make me interested in Carlito or the match that broad has, but no one is perfect. Good to see Raw back on track this week. And go out of your way to get a copy of this Michaels/Cena match. Great stuff. Strong thumbs up.