Pro Wrestling Chronicle

RAW was apparently global this Monday as it took place in Italy, home of your reigning World Cup champions. None of this has anything to do with the WWE, but then, as Paul Siegrfried explains to us in his RAW Ramblings, WWE doesn’t always have alot to do with the WWE (or anything in particular).

RAW RAMBLINGS 4/16/07

Raw is “I’d rather be watching the Sopranos replay” comes to us from Italy

OPENING SEGMENT:

-Coachman comes out and says something
-McMahon and his hat strut down to the ring
-He heels the crowd by insulting their fashion sense……ok…….and introduces Umaga.
-Umaga stares at McMahon with lust in his eyes.
-McMahon gets bashful and gives him chocolates.
-The Samoan is pleased.
-Not really, however that is more entertaining than what is going on in the ring.
-Pointless video package, some McMahon babbling, and I’m checking the clock.
-McMahon issues an open challenge to anyone in the locker room for Umaga’s IC Title.
-No one comes out.
-The Samoan is sad.
-McMahon then issues a challenge to the crowd.
-Some guy comes out.
-McMahon insults his fashion sense.
-I did not make that up.
-Umaga hates Italians with bad fashion sense.
-He beats up the badly dressed Italian until Lashley comes out.
-He’s oozing charisma tonight.
-He does some stuff.
-I check the clock.
-He beats up everyone and puts the Italian on Umaga for the cover.
-The Italian is your NEW IC CHAMPION.
-I check the clock yet again.
-A full 30 minutes of my life was just wasted.
-Thank you Big Steph and HHH.
-I really wish that Bobby Lashley would start carrying himself like a star. He has an incredible amount of athletic ability and an imposing look, yet he still looks like a deer in the headlights everytime he is forced to carry a segment. The WWE would be well served by placing a renewed effort on their oft-neglected developmental territories, and by showing a little restraint with who they bring up. Muscles do not equal ring savy or talent, despite what Kevin Dunn and Big Steph want us to believe.

RIC FLAIR/CARLITO vs. HAAS/BENJAMIN:

-After seeing the Horseman dvd that the WWE released last week, watching Ric Flair just makes me sad.
-He should be treated like the legend that he is, not fodder to get an un-motivated, afro’d apple-eater over.
-Having said that, his Robe still looks fabulous.
-Flair is going bald.
-sigh
-Flair plays “face in peril” before tagging in Carlito.
-J.R. keeps dropping the word “intensity” while referencing Carlito.
-I spit out my beer in an eruption of laughter.
-Haas trips Carlito and Benjamin covers him for the pin.
-Carlito throws an “intense” tantrum.
-Flair and Torrie are puzzled.
-Flair shrugs his shoulders, throws up a Horseman sign, and takes Torrie to his leer jet so she can experience “Space Mountain” for herself.
-I wish.
-Instead, they both look confused as we go to commercial.
-I’m confused as to why they’re continuing to waste Flair in getting over Carlito.

BACKSTAGE:

-Maria interviews John Cena.
-After my breakup with Trish Stratus (to be outlined in detail in an upcoming “Sunday Morning Musings”), I never thought that I would love again. What Trish and I had was special. We understood and respected each other, yet our own personal insecurities were our undoing. I thought that was it for me…..until I got together with Maria. I love her more than I thought possible, and am lucky to have found her. It’s the cat eyes, really. I’m a sucker for those cat eyes…..
-Oh wait.
-Cena is saying something to Shawn Michaels.
-He’s going to beat him.
-Whatever.

-There was a Eugene vs. Johnny Nitro match that I chose to ignore in favor of the last 5 minutes of the Sopranos.
-I’m sure that no one blames me.
-We didn’t miss anything.
-Nitro won.
-He has fuzzy boots and won’t get pushed due to bullshit politics, and Eugene looks like Ivan Koloff.
-Enough said.

DIVA FASHION SHOW:

-Maria had better win.
-I just realized that we are 1 full hour into Raw and have yet to see anything even close to decent wrestling.
-It’s all been pointless filler so far.
-Having said that, all of these chicks are smoking hot.
-I still can’t tell any of them apart though.
-Can you imagine actually having a CONVERSATION with any of these girls??
-How would that go?
-”Help us. Vince won’t let us leave. He said he’ll sell us into slavery if we scream”.
-Probably something like that.
-Someone wins, the rest lose, I check the clock.

JEFF HARDY vs LANCE CADE:

-Depending on Jeff’s state of mind (translation: he might be high), this should be a decent match.
-In an interesting demonstration on how far tag-teams have progressed in the business since 2000, The Hardy’s and the Dudley’s are still on top of their respective promotions.
-I guess no one had any faith in the long term drawing power of the Spirit Squad.
-Cade is pretty agile for a big guy.
-I’m waiting for the inevitable quad tear.
-J.R. just described Cade’s chest as “ample-sized”.
-He’s smitten with the “young stud”.
-These two work pretty well together, but I’m beginning to get bored with the 8 minute spot-fests that Raw continues to produce.
-Cade wins.
-J.R. follows him to the back.

CHRIS MASTERS vs SUPER CRAZY:

-Wait a minute…..
-Wait just a minute…….
-CHRIS MASTERS IS BIG AGAIN!!!!!
-How did this happen??!!
-Well, at least the WWE’s wellness policy is iron clad so we know that he’s probably just working out really hard.
-This match is really sloppy.
-and boring.
-Really boring.
-J.R. just commented on Masters “large thigh muscles”.
-Lance Cade must’ve turned him down.
-Master’s wins, then proceeds to cut an interview promoting a clean lifestyle and natural bodybuilding.
-He ends with his new catch phrase “There’s No Hope With Dope” to thunderous applause.
-J.R. follows him to the back.

BACKSTAGE:

-Edge and Orton try to work through their problems.
-Orton shits in Edge’s bag.
-Edge shakes his head as Orton giggles.

EDGE/ORTON vs JOHN CENA:

-Think there will be a ref bump followed by outside interference?
-Edge starts out, as he seems to be the only one who can consistently get good matches out of John Cena.
-Loud “Cena Sucks” chants.
-Take the title off of him and have him chase.
-It’s popular to booo him again.
-Not good.
-Edge is THE top heel (pay attention Hunter) in the business today.
-Orton is decent, but he looks like an amateur compared to Edge.
-The heels beat on Cena and show a surprising amount of cooperation.
-Edge’s thong becomes exposed.
-Strangely, J.R. does not comment.
-But I do.
-Dammit.
-Why does Cena wear Reebok Pumps?
-And where does he BUY Reebok pumps?
-I haven’t seen those for sale since 1989.
-Michaels makes his way out (sans gay outfit) and interferes on Cena’s behalf.
-There’s the ref bump.
-I was wrong on the order.
-Big HBK chants as the heels recover and beat on Cena.
-He doesn’t help this time.
-Instead he tries to superkick Cena.
-Cena ducks, and Edge is the recipient of some Sweet Chin Music.
-He gets an FU for his troubles.
-Cena gets the pin and the win.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

-This show was complete and utter nonsense until the main event. They desperately need to give their mid-card some ring time and an interesting storyline or two. There is, and I never thought I’d say this, way too much time spent on the abundance of no-talent, pretty girls they have on their roster. The 20 minutes total that they spend on T&A would be better served at getting some young mid-card talent over. The mid-card is your money drawing future. Not surgically enhanced Playboy cast-offs. T&A hasn’t drawn ratings or money since Sable. Limit their time, give the young guys some direction, and make me care about the actual WRESTLING next time. Thumbs down.