Pro Wrestling Chronicle

Paul Siegfried is back trying to out-Mitchell us with his streaming thoughts on RAW. I expect him to apologize for Vince’s sins if he’s taking this asignment every Monday. Then Heenan calls. “But Who’s side is he on?” “What Bobby? what bar… OH, he means Paul just turned….”

RAW RAMBLINGS 4/9/07

-”Raw is Charisma” comes to us live from the Home of “Who’s The Boss”, Connecticut.

-We open up with everyone’s favorite passed over son, Shane-O-Mac.
-On a related note, backstage Stephanie McMahon is feverishly re-writing him out of the show.
-He leaves the ring.
-HHH spits out his water in a show of dominance.
-I snap back into reality just as Shane calls out Bobby Lashley
-Lashley’s suit looks like a finely tailored tent.
-Apparently Lashley stole the McMahon Family’s dignity at Wrestlemania.
-I guess allegations of steroid abuse, cover ups of homosexual harassment, and necrophilia angles pale in comparison to the unbridled charisma Lashley unleashed on the McMahon’s at Mania.
-Umaga comes out.
-I call Samoa Joe to congratulate his decision.
-He mentions Vince Russo.
-My congratulatory call turns into a 5 minute cheer-up call to an embittered Samoan.
-Apparently Shane is facing Lashley in a “Title vs. Hair” match.
-If Shane gets in any substantial offense, I will boycott this show. He is an on-screen performer, not a professional wrestler. Treat him as such.

MICKIE JAMES/CANDICE MICHELLE vs VICTORIA/MELINA

-Melina does a split.
-They botch some spots.
-I imagine them naked.
-I get saddened by my lack of depth.
-Mickie James pins Victoria after a botched DDT.
-I ponder how much of my life has been wasted by watching these train-wreck matches.

BACKSTAGE:

-Mick Foley introduces a Make-A-Wish kid to some WWE Superstars.
-The kid is scarred for life.

RIC FLAIR/CARLITO vs LANCE CADE/TREVOR MURDOCH:

-Flair, as always, is wearing a gorgeous robe.
-They plug the upcoming 4 Horseman dvd.
-”These shoes cost more than your house”.
-Hilarious.
-Why don’t they let this man talk anymore?
-In an unfortunate instance of prognostication, they literally DON’T let Flair talk. He stands idly by while Carlito talks about “being cool” and “apples” and “being an overrated bore”.
-Flair shakes his hand.
-I beg for him to retire.

-We join the action in progress.
-Cade and Murdoch show real ring savvy and have a good prescence.
-Too bad they’ve been buried by every opponent they’ve faced for the past 6 months.
-Flair plays “face in peril” before making the hot tag to a sleepy looking Carlito.
-His offense is “Cena-Sloppy”.
-Cade and Murdoch win, and despite not winning a match for months and being treated as second-class citizens, they are getting a title shot at Backlash.
-Ok then.
-Carlito storms out on Ric Flair after finding out that Torrie did, in fact, take a ride on Space Mountain.
-Not really, but the slow-build continues.

BACKSTAGE:

-Coach and Shane McMahon yell about respect, titles, and hair.
-Sounds like my most recent fight with my girlfriend.

-HBK continues his slide towards the dark side by hammering home the fact that “nice guys don’t finish first”.
-Orton confronts Michaels to tell him that he shit in his bags while he wasn’t looking.
-I’m really enjoying the return to classic form for Shawn Michaels. He has a natural cockiness and an unlikable quality that he has been suppressing since his return.
-The “aging star who won’t walk away quietly” role suits hims quite well.

RANDY ORTON vs SHAWN MICHAELS:

-Why isn’t this the main event?
-Oh, I forgot…….a McMahon is wrestling tonight.
-Michaels comes out to his old music while wearing the gayest tribute to God I have ever seen (and I was an altar boy once).
-I’ve given up expecting Shawn Michaels to wear heterosexual ring gear.
-Big “HBK” chants as they start out slowly, giving the match a “big match feel”.
-Orton busts open Michaels hardway with an errant elbow.
-There goes Orton’s push.
-Don’t cross the Kliq.
-Orton looks slow and sloppy tonight.
-He must be lethargic from cycling down.
-Edge makes his way to the ring to distract Orton.
-It doesn’t make his offense look any better.
-Pretty standard fare before a nonsense ref-bump.
-Michaels hits all of his signature spots before being distracted by Edge.
-They battle to the outside where Michaels is RKO’d onto the floor.
-J.R. describes the RKO as “scintillating”.
-I ponder how a wrestling move can be “scintillating”.
-Edge spears Orton onto the floor, and it’s academic from there.
-Superkick as Michaels falls onto Orton to become YOUR #1 Contender.
-Wait, wait.
-Two refs=controversy.
-Both of their shoulders were down. We have a double-pin folks.
-As such, we have no winner.
-sigh.
-My powers of wrestling future-telling are leading me to believe that they’re going to give away a potential PPV main event (Edge, Orton, Michaels 3 Way) on free t.v. next week.

BACKSTAGE:

-Orton complains to Shane McMahon about going AWOL from the military, abusing steroids, and his inherent hatred of women.
-He also says something about being angry at the lack of decision for his match.
-Me too.
-Shane looks puzzled.
-I don’t blame him.

-Foley is still introducing his terminally ill friend to the Raw locker room, including Val Venis.
-Insert porno joke here________

THE HARDY’S vs THE WORLD’S GREATEST TAG TEAM:

-Jeff still isn’t glowing in the dark.
-I’m getting worried.
-Backstage HHH and Stephanie are discussing how both teams are “too small” and “can’t work”.
-They miss a good match.
-Both teams work hard and look motivated to put on a good show, which is exactly what they do.
-The Hardy’s win as HHH and Steph are too busy doing dumbell curls to notice.

THE “CUTTING EDGE” w/ JOHN CENA:

-I admire the fact that Edge is bold enough to wear his sunglasses in a darkened arena.
-Well done sir. Well done.
-Michaels and Orton make their ways to the ring to interrupt an attempt by Edge to interject himself into the #1 Contender’s spot.
-This is a heat-filled segment and there is no weak link in the group.
-And in comes the weak link.
-The WWE Champion John Cena comes out in camo.
-He is a Marine after all.
-Cena can certainly more than hold his own on the the mike. He is solid, interesting, and intense. Unfortunately his mystique is taken away once the action starts.
-Coach comes out to put the crowd to sleep and make me change the channel.
-I fight my impulse.
-Coach makes the Backlash main event a 2-on-1 with Edge and Orton vs. Cena
-Foley comes out.
-Apparently his terminally ill friend is the “honorary GM of Raw” for the evening.
-I must’ve zoned out during that announcement.
-The kid, who is surprisingly poised behind the mic, makes a 4-way at Backlash.
-The WWE continues it’s strong and compelling booking of its top stars, while totally floundering with its mid and lower cards.
-Good stuff.

SHANE MCMAHON vs BOBBY LASHLEY:

-Once I start to go bald, I want to put up my hair in a championship match with pwchronicle.com Editor John Philapavage.
-When I get asked what my goals for the future are, that’s pretty much the only thing that comes to mind. That, and buying a fleet of Stripper-filled DeLoreans with my massive lottery winnings.
-Oh, there’s a match going on.
-Excuse my fantasizing.
-Just as I thought, they make Shane look like a viable contender.
-WHY!!??
-Shane redeems himself in my eyes by taking the easy way out and hitting the ref for the DQ.
-Umaga and Vince walk out to decimate Lashley.
-Shane delivers a MASSIVE chair-shot to Lashley as I scream like a little girl and immediately begin to construct my get-well letter to him.
-Crazy and unsafe.
-Put your hands up next time Lashley.
-Vince makes it Himself, Shane, and Umaga vs. Lashley for the title at Backlash.
-They continue the beat down as we go off the air.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

-Raw continues its streak of decent to good shows with this week’s offering. The main event angles continue to be the reason to tune in every week, as those 45 minutes make up for the lack of direction for the rest of the show. The mid and lower cards need a dedicated direction, and I don’t agree with the placement of the McMahon angle over the Championship angle in importance. Still, I was pleasantly surprised at the straight forward booking and the lack of crappy comedy this week. Thumbs up.