Pro Wrestling Chronicle

Paul Siegfried makes his streaming RAW Ramblings debut for the year. Welcome home for a go home RAW with a hot Chicago Crowd
-“Raw is Anabolic” opens up with the least talented WWE part-time performer (The Coach), meeting its most talented part-time performer (Stone Cold Steve Austin)
-God Damn these “What” chants.
-Seriously; Austin began this sorry curse during the little remembered twilight of his in-ring career, but for some reason these chants WILL NOT DIE!
-Apparently Vince sent Austin some presents.
-I suspect that Pat Patterson is the real culprit
-I ponder a scintillating embrace between Stone Cold and Pat Patterson until the “What” chants draw my attention away from thoughts I’d rather not admit to myself.
-Austin stuns Coach with what J.R. describes as “a scintillating Stunner”.
-I take this as a sign and call Pat Patterson.
BACKSTAGE:
-Austin, apparently parking wherever he damn well pleases, has a RUN-IN (pun intended) with Mr. McMahon’s car.
-McMahon gets flipped off, fires his limo driver, and injects himself full of HGH

-6 Hot Broads come out for a match:
-The WWE has taught me that women are neither to be respected nor taken seriously, so I ignore the match and indulge in a “6 woman match” fantasy of my own.
-An oiled-up Pat Patterson creeps into my subconscious as I call my therapist.
-After several botched spots and some risqué camera angles, the 3 smoking hot ones win.
-The other 3 smoking hot ones are sad.

-A re-cap of the “Billionaire” angle airs.
-Still not interested.
C.M PUNK vs. KENNY DYKSTRA:
-In a shocking twist, CM Punk makes his way to the ring to face Kenny Dykstra.
-Punk gets a massive ovation as the home-town hero.
-HHH argues that he’s not actually receiving cheers, but the “simulation” of cheers.
-I’m still not sold on Punk. He’s sloppy, lacks intensity, and doesn’t have much ring presence.
-Punk wins in a decent little match.
CUTTING EDGE SEGMENT:
-All 8 participants (Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy, Booker T, Fit Finlay, Randy Orton, Edge, CM Punk, and Mr. Kennedy for those of you paying attention at home) are in the ring to hype up their Wrestlemania ladder match.
-Although I’m looking forward to the match (especially considering the solid line-up), 8 participants in a ladder match has the potential to turn into a cluster.
-Edge, as always, carries the segment and plays chickenshit heel while putting over every other participant.
-The segment ends in a schmoze with everyone chasing Edge to the back.
BACKSTAGE:
-The Marine (horrible movie by the way. Seriously, I wasn’t expecting a masterpiece but Christ, it was barely watchable) tells Maria (my new wife) that he is, in fact “here”.
-Also, apparently he is going to win at Wrestlemania.

MCMAHON vs. LASHLEY:
-McMahon comes out in a sweat shirt
-I guess the HGH he took earlier didn’t kick in yet.
-Lashley needs to be put over as a monster, before succumbing to an assault by Umaga to properly build up the match.
-McMahon bails out of the ring as the mid-card heels come down to save him.
-Lashley shows good intensity (for once) while taking out Cade, Murdoch, Masters, and Nitro.
-Umaga puts an end to the Lashley show. After a quick brawl, he decimates Lashley ending with a McMahon pin.
-This was an effective build up. They kept Lashley strong while get Umaga over as a legitimate threat.
-TNA, take note.

BACKSTAGE:
-McMahon, in a move that I suspect is meant to quiet all of his “politically correct” critics, brings out his PET RETARD who is dressed at Donald Trump.
-He’s such a trendsetter.
MR. KENNEDY/RANDY ORTON vs. THE HARDYs
-Jeff isn’t glowing in the dark tonight.
-This match has the potential to be a good match if they’re given enough time.
-They’re not given enough time.
-Orton and Kennedy win in a decent, but sadly short match.
-So far, I’m digging the clean finishes.
-Again, TNA take note.

-In a surprisingly classy video package (given all of the hell this company has put the man through), J.R. is announced as the final inductee into the 2007 Hall of Fame.
-He gets a standing ovation and deserves every second of it.

THE “GREAT” KAHLI vs. “THE NATURE BOY” RIC FLAIR:
-Flair looks every bit his age this evening.
-Flair/Koloff this is not.
-The string (3) of clean finishes ends with Carlito running out for the DQ.
-Kane comes out.
-I change the channel.

BACKSTAGE:
-Shawn Michaels, with a Hogan-Like Tan, hypes up his match at Wrestlemania.
-In a matter of 2 minutes, Shawn Michaels made me believe that I could not miss his match. Every wrestler on the roster should study tapes of HBK and Ric Flair, Clockwork Orange-style.

BATISTA/UNDERTAKER vs. JOHN CENA/SHAWN MICHAELS:
-With all of his money, why would the Undertaker decide to live in Death Valley?
-I’m sure Florida is much nicer
-And what happened to his motorcycle?
-The dry heat of Death Valley must be good for him, because the Undertaker is moving better than he has in years.
-Cena is getting MASSIVE boos.
-And rightfully so. He’s “Prototype” sloppy out there.
-They do a good job of building the dissension between the supposed teammates, but the match only picks up when Undertaker and Michaels are in the ring.
-Undertaker throws Michaels at Batista and walks out.
-Cena and Michaels double-team Batista.
-Michaels super kicks Cena and watches as Batista pins the champ.
-He smiles and gives Cena a crotch-chop to closeout the show.

FINAL THOUGHTS:
-This show did everything properly. They built up anticipation for every match that will sell the pay per view, set the Championship Matches as their main focus, and didn’t give away any of the finishes with hotshot booking. Once again, TNA take note. This is how you get people to pay money for your product. Thumbs up.