Pro Wrestling Chronicle

This is a sample (one of several) that will introduce you to Paul Siegfried’s regular Monday Night review for this site, Raw Ramblings. Look up the rest of the archives through the categories on the side or up at the top of the page, and check back regularly for new articles in this feature.

Opening:
-We zoom in on Mr. McMahon, and by “zoom in” I mean “we come in uncomfortably close”. Seriously, my relaxing night of wrestling just began with a close-up of a 60 year old man’s tanned, tanned face.
-Vince proceeds to run down Shane’s “injuries” from last week, and demands a public apology from HHH for his heinous actions (I added heinous……adds drama).
-The HHH face-turn continues.

Interview Segment with Mick Foley:
-Foley comes out wearing a suit, yet somehow still looks like a dock worker. So much for trying to clean up.
-He self-mocks his previous persona; referring to himself as a “lovable Muppet”, and a “Teddy Bear”……..I cross those off my “Compliments to give to Mick Foley if I ever meet him” list.
-He has the crowd doing his bidding during his promo. They cheer his cheap pop spot, and boo when he badmouths their town. While this can be construed as cheap heat, the fact that he can generate this much intense heat at will, after being in the game for over a decade, speaks volumes about Foley as a performer.
-Out comes Edge (looking like Paris Hilton with his giant sunglasses) & Lita (looking like a skank).
-If Lita makes any sudden movements, her tits will pop out of her top.
-I call in a bomb threat to make her run.
-It doesn’t work.
-Edge & Foley have a funny back and forth about what hardcore legends they are, culminating with Foley presenting Edge the old Hardcore Title.
-Edge’s sunglasses are too big to see it.
-After taking off his sunglasses to see the belt, seriously, he thanks Foley for the honor then looks at Lita and smirks.
-Matt Hardy’s career path probably came to mind.
-Edge & Foley have a back and forth about who is the bigger hardcore legend (even inserting some jabs at Ric Flair surprisingly), with Foley proposing a match to settle the dispute.
-The crowd actually bites.
-Before they can resolve their little comedy dispute, they’re interrupted by Mr. ECW himself PAUL HEYMAN.
-Big ECW chant.
-Heyman uncharacteristically stumbles a little bit by going for the cheap heat and calling Lita a Ho.
-The crowd goes wild.
-I don’t.
-He recovers by calling Foley a prostitute for tarnishing his legacy on the likes of Edge & Lita.
-I’m back.
-The back and forth between these two is outstanding, culminating with Foley making some quasi-shoot comments about Heyman’s lack of power. “You’re not the GM of Smackdown anymore. You don’t own your own company anymore. You’re nothing”. Great stuff.
-Heyman laughs it off and uses the power that he DOES have (within the storylines), to make the challenge for One Night Stand.
-Foley & Edge procrastinate long enough for Terry Funk & Tommy Dreamer to make their way to the ring, which is an accomplishment since it doesn’t look like Funk will get there until the second hour starts. Give or take.
-The faces beat on the heels as Paul Heyman looks on.

RVD vs. Shelton Benjamin:
-I am seeing this match for what seems like the hundredth time.
-Leave it to today’s hyper-accelerated wrestling world to wear out a feud before it truly takes a hold of the audience.
-I like that they’ve made Benjamin the arrogant heel, anything is better than a momma’s boy for some genuine character development, but they need to program him with someone else. Van Dam just doesn’t have the genuine mat-based skills needed to bring the best out of Benjamin. I realize that they’re both quite athletic and put on a semi-entertaining show together, but Benjamin has a lot more to offer in the wrestling ring than his vertical leap.
-JR refers to Van Dam as “outspoken”. I laugh at the absurdity of that comment.
-Van Dam hits him with a foreign object, and Benjamin gets the win by DQ.
-I yawn.

Backstage:
-ZZ Top and Candice Michelle flirt with each other backstage.
-They’ve fallen so far since Back to the Future III.

Interview (Vince McMahon):
-Vince struts down to the ring and calls out HHH for his apology.
-HHH’s music hits and I wonder if Motorhead heralds his entrance everywhere he goes.
-I miss the first half of the interview thinking about HHH lugging a boom box and a bottle of water with him to the supermarket.
-I didn’t miss much.
-HHH teases the “Two Words: Suck It” deal, before finally giving in to Vince’s demands and apologizing for his actions last week.
-Vince seems pleased and “commands” HHH to annihilate HBK after his match against the Spirit Squad later on tonight.
- Vince has a thing for subservient men.

Kane Segment:
-We find out that May 19th is not JUST the date of his movie, but also the day his parents died.
-I stab myself with my pen to see if I still feel.
-I do.
-Kane leaves.
-I get a band aide.

John Cena vs. Chris Masters:
-Please don’t let him rap. Please don’t let him rap.
-He doesn’t rap.
-Dodged a bullet.
-Masters looks like the drug policy has not been kind to him.
-At least he has his Full Nelson to fall back on.
-Cena has gotten noticeably more crisp and comfortable in the ring, but not enough to where he can carry Chris Masters to a watch able match.
-Scratch the above statement. Cena punches like Chyna.
-Masters taps to the STFU as I wonder why Cena wears the belt around his neck as he celebrates.
-Out comes Rob Van Dam to interrupt Cena’s belt-wearing fiesta.
-I pray that all the mics are broken.
-God doesn’t listen.
-Apparently Van Dam didn’t properly chew his post-match meal of marbles, because they’re still in his mouth.
-He yells incoherently about the fact that his tights have a big technocolor lizard on them (or something). From his tone of voice, he seems very angry about that.
-I would be too.
-They book their match for One Night Stand as Van Dam drunkenly beats on Cena, which culminates in a Vandaminator to the air.
-I rush to my wallet to pull out the $30 for the ppv.

Backstage/Carlito, Melina, Snitsky, & Goldust:
-I dial up Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes (I am a 7th level Scientologist……….which means I can heal) to tell them that their friends are on Raw, and will meet them after 11:00
-Tom begins to laugh boisterously while I hear a muffled scream in the background.
-Tom tells me that Katie says hello.
-Carlito, Melina, Snitsky, and Goldust do something, and then say something. It’s not important.

Backstage/HHH & Shawn Michaels:
-Michaels confronts HHH, who is suggestively stroking a sledgehammer, about his earlier apology to Vince.
-They argue, but ultimately agree that they care about each other too much to walk away now.
-They hug and share each other’s conditioner as a sign of commitment.
-I rejoice at their ability to talk through their problems, ask my girlfriend why she can’t be more like Shawn, and turn my back to her.
-We go to commercial.
-She goes home.

Kane:
-I don’t watch
-I turn back, and surprisingly he’s still on.
-I change the channel again.

Torrie Wilson vs. Mickie James:
-This will probably be a train wreck of a match, but at least Mickie’s insane facials are funny.
-JR refers to Torrie Wilson’s “exceptional in ring skills”. I laugh.
-These two simply do not click, but thankfully it’s mercifully short.
-Trish comes out to announce the addition of Beth Phoenix to the Raw Roster.
-No more illegally beating up the talent without penalty for you, Ms. Phoenix. Now you do it legally.

Viscera:
-I saw the DaVinci code this weekend, and I was intrigued by some of the revelations in it (although I read the book about 3 years ago). Religious politics aside, some of it seems fairly plausible.
-Then I realize that it’s all a lie created by heathens and that God thinks I’m a sinner.
-That’s the only explanation I can come up with for the last ½ hour of this god-awful (sorry for taking your name in vain Lord) show.
-Umaga comes out and I cry out to the Lord for answers.
-I say 12 Hail Mary’s and an Our Father.
-Viscera and Umaga leave.
-I rejoice.
-See you in Church this Sunday.

HBK vs. The Spirit Squad:
-JR mentions that “this may be the last time we see Michaels in the ring”. Its comments like this that ruin the credibility of the announce team, and bring back bad memories of Tony Schiavonie.
-McMahon tells the ref to leave the ring as the Spirit Squad decimates HBK.
-Michaels sells like crazy before making an inspired comeback, only to be overtaken again by an innovative chair shot to the leg, and the 5-on-1 odds.
-HHH hits the ring and goes all Hogan on us as he rips off his shirt and destroys 5 guys.
-Huge DX chant.
-HHH stares down McMahon as the show ends, somewhat abruptly.

Final Thoughts:
-The show started out strongly with the continuation of the ECW angle. Although the angle was executed to perfection, with an awesome performance by Mick Foley, this angle is lacking a little something that I can’t quite place my finger on. It’s booked well, and Paul Heyman’s interview style can make me excited for any match this company can present (even a Kane match), but the crowd is having a hard time accepting Terry Funk and Tommy Dreamer as a legitimate threat to Edge and Mick Foley. Although the faces have beaten up the heels for two weeks in a row, they have lacked the special “go-home” promo that the heel side (Foley specifically) has delivered. The chores of this duty may have to fall on Paul Heyman, as I don’t think either Terry Funk or Tommy Dreamer can deliver on the main event level needed to garner interest for this match.
-Cena and Van Dam will not be a mat-classic, but it will be intriguing as a set-up to the ECW relaunch. They continue to book Cena well, and I’m curious as to how this match will play out at the ppv.
-If the WWE doesn’t make a concerted effort to tangibly begin the DX re-launch next week, then run the risk of losing the momentum they’ve gained. The audience is primed for this reunion and their anticipation may soon start to turn into anger if anymore Raw’s end with HHH staring at Vince McMahon. I know that the June ppv “Vengeance” is scheduled as the big DX return (you’ll find spoilers here too folks), so I’ll reserve judgment on the angle until next week. I haven’t seen the WWE crowd this hot for an angle in a long time, which has been a joy to watch. They seem to be firing on all cylinders. From the mid-card to the main event, each program seems to finally have direction. Now if they’d just cut out the filler (I’m talking to you Kane and Snitsky) and take this show down to 90 minutes, my Monday nights may go more smoothly!
-Thanks for reading everyone. I’ll have fun watching John make me look like a slacker all this week, and see you back here on Sunday.