Pro Wrestling Chronicle

This is a sample (one of several) that will introduce you to Paul Siegfried’s regular Monday Night review for this site, Raw Ramblings. Look up the rest of the archives through the categories on the side or up at the top of the page, and check back regularly for new articles in this feature.

-I just realized that the semi-new Raw opening prominently displays a scene of a bloodied Ric Flair getting beaten to death with a briefcase. Substitute “briefcase” for “writing team” and it’s very ironic.

Opening Main Event: HHH vs. John Cena:
-This match is one of the reasons I’m semi-excited to watch Raw tonight. I think that these two both work well together, and that the crowd reaction alone is worth the price of admission.
-HHH leers at Lillian Garcia as he’s pacing the ring (his muscles motivate him to pace). No “He’s such a stud” comment from J.R. on that display of blatant man-hood. Curious.
-Scratch that “I’m excited for this match” comment. McMahon interrupts and makes me wonder why I bothered. He changes the match. Haven’t they learned anything from the demise of WCW?? It’s all well and good to sometimes surprise the fans, but not following through on an advertised main even for the sole reason of cheap heat just pisses people off. Showing that he is not a fan of this writers point of view, McMahon creates a new match………………..
Texas Tornado Match (fake feet banned): (HHH/Masters/Benjamin vs. John Cena/Rob Van Dam)
-Anytime John Cena and RVD are in the same ring, I think “set up the ECW ppv please. You only have a month……..then I refer to my 1st column and pray that they don’t screw this up.
-The match is pretty standard fare and begs one specific question: why does everyone stand around and watch as Van Dam rolls and/or flips into them? I can only buy into the whole “suspend disbelief” thing for so long fellas.
-Loud “Cena” chants; the women and children have spoken.
-Wait………..boos.
-Cena almost makes Benjamin pop in a spot with tremendous heat and favorable crowd reactions. The crowd needs Prozac.
-Match ends with Benjamin pinning RVD as HHH pins Cena.
-HHH Stone Cold Stuns…………I mean Pedigree’s…………the ref. You badass.
Trish Stratus:
-I’m starting the regret breaking up with her. Her arm is in a sling. She’s hurting and I should be there for her. Then I say to myself “now Paul, you two took a break for a reason and you have to be strong” and I can focus again.
-She calls out Mickie James to continue this surprisingly well done angle while she rehabs the arm that she hurt in their match at Backlash.
-They brawl for a little while until Mickie’s mystery woman (Developmental wrestler Beth Phoenix) comes out to make the save for Stratus.
-I break down and call Trish
-She says something about a “restraining order” and the “police”.
-I hang up
Kane Movie Premiere:
-I change the channel
HHH/Shane McMahon:
-Shane walks in on HHH destroying a locker in a fit of rage. Punch a pillow HHH. It hurts less, and won’t mess up your hair as much. I watch out for your roots.
-Shane mocks HHH for a while and announces himself as the special guest referee in the main event of Shawn Michaels vs. Kenny of the Spirit Squad, with one caveat. HHH must be in Kenny’s corner to “take care of” Shawn Michaels.
-The slow-build for the DX reunion continues. I marvel that the Kliq can book their own angles perfectly, mostly at the expense of everyone else.
Spirit Squad vs. Snitsky/Goldust:
-It’s times like these that I question my wrestling obsession. Although I am beginning to enjoy the Spirit Squad, anytime I see Snitsky and/or Goldust I brace myself.
-Remember when Goldust wrestled Rowdy Roddy Piper at Wrestlemania 12?
“Oh the times they are a changing”
-I continue to sing Bob Dylan throughout this match. I don’t even like Bob Dylan.
-They have a long match. I run out of Bob Dylan songs. I switch to Poison.
-Spirit Squad wins.
Mick Foley Interview:
-Foley usually knocks interviews like this out of the park, and with the tepid response to his heel turn last week, he had better.
-Foley cuts a masterful promo and plays a half-hearted tweener role before diving head first into his heel persona.
-He brings out Terry Funk to (presumably) set up the proposed match between himself and Edge versus Tommy Dreamer and Terry Funk at the ECW ppv in June.
-Some dude in the audience has a “Danger: Giant Penis” t-shirt. I giggle.
-Foley spins a magnificent yarn which both puts over ECW as a viable opposition to his “home” the WWE, and paints Terry Funk out as the sympathetic mentor (hard to do with Funk’s weak mic work here). Foley stresses how the honor of his wife, the honor of his children, and the honor of his legacy are 3 things he would die for. Foley yells at Funk for turning his back on him, and then begins to walk out of the ring. Terry Funk tries to goad a reluctant Foley into hitting him with a “your wife is a whore; your kids are bastards” chant that would get him booed anywhere but Texas. Foley takes the bait and is bested by the worst offense I’ve seen in a professional wrestling match since Snitsky & Goldust took on the Spirit Squad 5 minutes before.
-Edge & Lita make the save and begin a beat down on Funk that get extreme heat. This was a great segment. Foley showed why he is one of the best.
Kane Video:
-The only semi-interesting part of this video package was the fact that they prominently showed Kane setting J.R. on fire.
-Isn’t attempted murder a felony? Why didn’t J.R. press charges?
-I ponder these questions until the video ends.
Umaga:
-Armando Elejandro Estrada (who actually got the crowd to recite his name along with him) brings us back from the commercial break.
-This guy has an olds-school smarmy heel quality that works great for today’s product………..shame they saddled him with a go-nowhere prospect.
-Umaga squashes a local Texan for a while.
-I wonder if Armando actually went to Umaga’s native island on a scouting mission, and went “he has the right mixture of tattoos and piercings, and as an added bonus, he can’t speak any language on record. PERFECT!”
-Also, what did he promise Umaga to get him to leave his, presumably, peaceful island life?
Shawn Michaels vs. Kenny (Shane McMahon as Special Referee):
-Kenny Doane shows promise way beyond this gimmick.
-The story of the match is that whenever HHH is prompted to give into the McMahon’s and beat up Shawn Michaels, Michaels perseveres and overcomes the obstacles put in front of him.
-HBK has the match won until Shane interferes and beats on Michaels.
-HHH nails Shane with a sledgehammer after saying to Michaels “Look at me; I want you to see this coming”.
-Show ends with Vince McMahon cradling Shane in his arms as HHH halfheartedly apologizes.

Final Thoughts:
This show was a middle of the road show with a couple of standouts. The positives: Mick Foley’s segment was a joy to watch and did a great job of building legitimate anticipation (although more is needed) for the ECW ppv in June. Trish Stratus and Mickie James continued their fun feud, and the continuation of the DX tease has become a joy to watch these past few weeks. When this angle began I originally thought to myself “how in god’s name (no pun intended Mr. McMahon) are they going to haphazardly re-form DX when HHH and Shawn Michaels have been feuding since 2002? Thankfully they’ve taken their time on this reformation and are writing the angle with actual layers that make sense. Kudos to you WWE.
The negatives: The incessant need to shove Kane and “May 19th” down our throats. We get it. You have a movie coming out. Wonderful. Can we get back to the actual wrestling please? Also, the continued push of Umaga is a go-nowhere angle that they should dump as quickly as possible. Re-set Armando with another prospect (perhaps a re-packaged Kenny), or perhaps have Armando recruit a stable of up and comers with Umaga as the “muscle” of the group (I’m reaching, I know). Regardless, change it quickly. Also, aside from the main and semi-main angles, the WWE product as a whole is hard to watch. The lower card (take your finger out of your nose, I’m talking to you Eugene) is directionless, bland, and relies too much on potty humor and weak gimmicks to pop the crowd. A half hour to forty five minutes of good television does not make up for over an hour of bad television. The WWE has shown a general sense of excitement and a willing to experiment over the past couple of weeks. I hope they continue this way of thinking, and transfer it to their lower card feuds.
Thanks a lot for reading everyone! I’ll be back this Sunday with a new edition of “Sunday Morning Musings”, and Johnny P. will be updating his “Four For The Road” periodically throughout the week. As always, feedback is welcome. See you next time.