Pro Wrestling Chronicle

Welcome to a retro-column. This is Sunday Morning Musings by senior staff writer Paul Siegfried. You can expect to see more of his editorials and opinion pieces under the Musings banner in categories or at the top of the page. This column is weekly.

BACKLASH
I didn’t quite know what I was watching. I settled down with my wings and beer (Miller Lite for anyone curious), and watched images of the sport I love. There were flashy lights, entrance songs, and a glimpse of a hold or two, but for the most part while watching the WWE’s latest presentation on pay per view, I wondered if I was being treated to more “Donnie Darko” than “WWE”.
The WWE’s latest monthly offering, “Backlash”, looked bad on paper and was…..well…..bad. It wasn’t “car-wreck” bad (although God’s no-show didn’t sit well with me………just fulfill your contractual obligations Mr. “Almighty Lord and Savior”. That’s all I ask), but it certainly seemed directionless to both the involved and casual viewers. It was filled with some remarkable highs, and some really horrible lows.
First the highs. The main event left me feeling like I didn’t TOTALLY waste my money, which in today’s wrestling landscape, is a pretty good feeling. HHH, Edge, and Cena all put on a hell of a show, worked their asses off, and progressed storylines in a fun way. Normally 3-Ways aren’t too much fun to watch (2 on 1, 1 guy gets thrown outside, 1 on 1, back to 2 on 1 for the finish), but these guys had some really innovative spots (Cena picking up HHH AND Edge for a double FU comes to mind), and the pacing was off the charts. Edge played chickenshit heel, which may or may not show the WWE’s trust in him as a top guy depending on how he’s booked on Raw. And HHH channeled Stone Cold Steve Austin to play the badass face. Although people will bitch that HHH is the “next Hulk Hogan” and isn’t “really putting anyone over” (all warranted arguments), in this show he tapped out to every man over 16’s favorite toilet bowl, and every woman and child’s obsession, John Cena. He then left both Edge and Cena lying as he celebrated his loss and flexed as the camera’s went off the air, thus adding fuel to his detractors fire and infuriating a whole sub-section of their fan base………..baby steps people……….baby steps. ANYWAY.
In addition, special mention must be made to my former girlfriend Trish Stratus’ (we’re taking some time apart; long story) match with Mickie James. This feud continues to entertain and amuse me. Even though Trish injured herself (and won’t return my phone calls), the feud has been a bright spot on WWE television. Rumor has it that they’re going to continue the feud while Trish is rehabbing (approximately 6 weeks), and they’d be fools not to. This has been one of the best-booked feuds in a long while.
As previously mentioned, the fans of Lexington Kentucky (cheap pop) were also introduced to God. Well, kind of. They were at least introduced to a spotlight, and yet another “look at me I’m crazy” Vince McMahon speech. Shane’s facials during his father’s promo saved much of the segment for me. And HBK proved yet again why he is the most consistent big-match guy since, dare I say it, the “Nature Boy” Ric Flair, and carried Vince and Shane to an at least watch able showing. The continued tease of the reformation of DX elicited a piercing, overtly feminine scream from yours truly, and a giant pop from the Kentucky crowd, which wasn’t hard to do. That crowd was hot for everything (even Kane and Big Show) all night. Although, if I grew up in Kentucky I’d be fascinated by indoor plumbing and modern antibiotics, so that explains the Kane/Big Show thing. All in all it was a middle-of-the-road show with few reasons to feel good about being a WWE fan. “Ah well” I thought for what seemed like the millionth time. “There’s always Raw tomorrow”. Thankfully my optimism paid off.

RAW
The way that I’ve graduated to watching Monday Night Raw every week is much like a parent watches their child. They tune in and out when the child is speaking gibberish, and hopefully tune in long enough to hear the important things. Luckily I heard the important things this week. The first hour was truly a child speaking gibberish (insert Eugene joke here___________). It was riddled with Goldust appearances, lingerie/cheerleader/attempted rape/Jerry Lawler sexual misconduct/women’s matches, and some truly bad wrestling. The only bright spot was a Mick Foley/Edge back and forth that snapped me out of my daze long enough to hear that they’ll be wrestling each other next week on Raw, thus keeping Edge in a semi-main position and programming him with a legend who’s mike skills are unparalleled and can create a crowd reaction out of a sock. I rejoiced, then was coerced back into my coma by some angry tatted up Samoan straight outta the 70’s territories (this guy has all the intrigue of a Kane and Big Show Variety Hour, minus the dance number……..his manager shows some promise though). Then the second hour began and I was happy to be a fan again.
The ECW angle began in full force with a dynamic promo from Joey Styles. Cutting perhaps the most informative and interesting promo on Raw in several months, Styles blended fantasy with reality and voiced his very real gripes with his treatment by the WWE higher-ups. All while igniting what I hope will be an enjoyable angle to watch play out. Now I know what the millions upon millions of you who read my article are going to say (I exaggerated the number to compensate for my insecurities…….let me be) “but Paul, last week you roasted the ECW angle and said you had no faith that the WWE would execute it properly”. Well, to that I say, you’re right. I did roast the ECW angle, and I still have doubts that the WWE will execute it properly. I am however, the battered wife who hasn’t learned her lesson. Styles’ promo gave me hope that the WWE has realized its problems, entered a rehab facility, and will be paying child support before the month is out. In short, the promo gives me hope that they are on the right track. I hope they don’t smack the hope outta me again.
Another bright spot was the continuation of the DX angle. HBK was back to his old funny/obnoxious (well, funny for a man of God) ways and Hunter was actually enjoyable in his cool tweener role. I like the fact that they’re not hotshotting this angle and are giving it the slow-build treatment. While I do not know if this will translate into any real money (crowd pops can be deceiving: i.e. Hogan, Hulk), making the fans salivate over a reunion will more than likely translate into 1 or 2 decent buy rates (remember buy rates guys? It’s what your income is based on, NOT RATINGS!). The culmination of all the dick jokes and crotch-chopping was a HHH/HBK stare down at the end of the show. The arena could barely contain both the fan reaction, and the amount of product that those two put in their hair. Seriously, they’re both a walking infomercial for Vidal Sassoon.
Overall this week in WWE wrestling was full of highs (good 3-way main event, the well executed beginning of the ECW angle, and the continued tease of a DX reunion) and lows (anything involving Kane, the Big Show, Eugene, Goldust, and God) and little in between (please answer my letters Trish Stratus). They seem to have a renewed spark to their programming, and some interesting angles on the horizon. Hopefully I haven’t slipped into a tangent universe where this is all a cruel cosmic joke and the WWE isn’t starting to seem exciting again. Next week I’ll be discussing Brock Lesnar, MMA, WWE, and the physics of crotch-chopping. Thanks for reading!